Change

So you may be thinking to yourself - what the hell is this picture of a random (although freshly manicured) hand doing here?! Well I'll tell ya. It's my freshly manicured random hand. See I've been a nail biter since I was a kid. Up until about three weeks ago, I had never had a manicure on my own nails. Sure I had tips (fake nails) put on, and would go to the nail salon regularly to maintain them. But as far as letting my own nails grow and actually having them manicured ... nope, never done it. Until three weeks ago. . .

Three weeks ago I sat in a court hearing to finalize my divorce. I closed one chapter of my life and moved full steam ahead into another. I'm still chugging along trying to find my way through this new chapter. It has not been easy, and it won't be, but I'm managing (mostly through therapy and this blog.) The day of my hearing, I left the courthouse, came home and headed to the nail salon.

Now you may still be wondering what the picture of my hand has to do with any of this? Well for me, my manicured hand represents a huge change in my life. After years and years of biting my nails, often times to the point of drawing blood, I was finally able to drum up enough will-power to stop. I got my first real manicure in my almost (ahem) 33 years of life, three weeks ago! (Ok, there's a lot of number "3's" in that statement. Perhaps I should play lotto?!) This is a pretty amazing feat! It shows me that if I truly set my mind to something, I can accomplish it. That may sound cliche and cheesy, but I don't care. That picture above means more to me than you'll ever know. It represents change. My change. And I'm damn proud of that!

National Kidney Walk

This past Sunday I had the pleasure of walking in the annual National Kidney Foundation walk from South Street Seaport up and over the Brooklyn bridge. It was a beautiful day and the turnout was incredible. My friend's son was born with kidney disease. He is living with one good kidney that is functioning at about 60%. Thankfully he has not needed a transplant and is doing remarkably well. But the reality is at some point in his life he my need a kidney. The reality is there are a ton of people waiting for donors.

Here are some fast facts from the NKF website:

FAST FACTS

• Chronic kidney disease affects 26 million Americans and millions more are at risk
  
• Kidney disease is common, harmful and treatable
  
• Risk factors include high blood pressure, diabetes and family history
  
• Early detection can slow the progression of kidney disease
  
• Once kidneys fail, patients need dialysis or a transplant to survive
  
• Over 104,000 people are waiting for an organ transplant

I was truly inspired and moved by the people out there walking in someone's honor. Many have lost loved ones to this disease. Many more will lose loved ones. Either way, the fight goes on and so do the tireless efforts of all involved to raise money and awareness. 

I had a great time and will probably do it again next year. The fact that my legs are a bit sore today is a small price to pay for such a great cause! :) 

Learn more about NKF and kidney disease here: http://donate.kidney.org/site/PageServer?pagename=WALK_homepage

Randomness

It's Sunday and I feel like being random. No rhyme or reason, just feel like it! So here goes ...

The kids are off school tomorrow for Columbus Day. They were also off on Friday for a conveniently scheduled "staff development day". Yeah. Sure. So between development of the staff and Columbus discovering what he thought was America, I get 2 extra days of chaos in the house. Good times.

Saturday I decided to take the kids to a local harvest festival. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but in hindsight it was a pretty lousy idea. I mean, I am all for fun stuff to do with the kids, but stuff like this always makes me mental. Despite my cheery disposition and calm demeanor, when I attend functions with my children and things don't go according to plan, I get bitchy. I mean it. Downright psycho at times. I am not proud of this and I try really hard to call in reinforcements when I can. This time the reinforcement came in the form of my sister. Now granted she had her two year old with her, so she wasn't much help. But having an extra adult was at least comforting amidst the insanity. The festival was nice, don't get me wrong, but holy crowded! And holy runaway baby in the form of my soon to be three year old Michael!! Yes folks, he's a runner. And when given the opportunity he does just that. Runs. And fast! Needless to say we did take him on a hayride, and he was entertained by a hay maze. He also got to feed some farm animals which was cute. But as far as this event being fun for me as a parent....that would be a resounding heck no!!

Today is 10.10.10. Wicked cool. I'm a bit of a numbers geek so I find this strangely fascinating. I mean, it only happens once every hundred years so chances are most of us won't be here to see it again. That in itself is pretty cool.

In other news, I'm sitting here writing this post using my new laptop. I really needed a new one and am very glad to have finally bit the bullet and purchased it! As I sit here in bed with the laptop in my lap, I am thinking about a story on Good Morning America regarding something called toasted leg syndrome. View full story on toasted leg syndrome here!  Apparently excessive laptop use without proper ventilation can cause your laptop to actually burn your lap. Who knew?!?

Must be strangely exciting to watch the stoic squirm . . .

This is a lyric from Alanis Morissette's song, "Uninvited." Alanis is one of my favorite artists. I've loved her since I was about fifteen. Back then her album Jagged Little Pill had just come out and the single "You Oughta Know" was a big hit. I remember that song becoming my anthem at the time. If you are not familiar, it's a lovely ballad about a scorned woman. At the time I was a scorned teenager who fell prey to a boy who told me what I wanted to hear to get me out on a few dates. By date number three he stood me up and I never saw him again. Back then I felt like it was the worst thing in the world. I was full of anger, hurt and desperation. The song made me feel empowered and basically convinced me that boys sucked. I should have learned my lesson then! ;)

Fast forward to today. The song has a similar meaning for me now as I grapple with a painful divorce as an adult. It still empowers me and I still think boys suck! A lot of her songs have that affect on me.

I am the stoic. I always have been. I get that from my mom and its not something I'm proud of. My mom was a cop in the small town I grew up in. She didn't show emotion. Her mother (my grandmother) was also a stoic. Emotion was viewed as a sign of weakness and neither my grandmother nor mother are weak people. I've always held in my emotions, never showing my hand, always maintaining my poker face. Well the stoic squirmed in therapy yesterday. I broke down and burst into tears right there in my therapist's office. She's been waiting for this since I started seeing her a few months ago. She kept telling me it wasn't healthy to keep everything pent up. She was worried about me letting loose at the wrong time or in an unhealthy way. Like balling my eyes out over a yogurt commercial, or having a total meltdown in the frozen food section of my local Stop and Shop.

Now I certainly wasn't hysterical or uncontrollable, but I did cry. I cried hard and it felt good. :)

Welcome To My Life...

I've always liked this song by Simple Plan. It has a new meaning for me lately with all the chaos and turmoil going on in my world. Music has played a big part in the healing process for me. There is something very therapeutic about songs that speak to your situation and offer words of hope & betterment. Then there are those songs that talk about how much things suck or how much another person (insert name of said person here) sucks. And that's ok too. Being able to use music as an outlet has been huge for me.

Do you have a favorite song/singer that you turn to during those times of need?