Trust

So. True. You know, it's funny how that works. It's almost like dealing with weight gain. You can eat poorly for a month or so and pack on the pounds, but man it takes FOREVER to get that weight off. At least for me it does....

I spent many years "trusting" my ex husband. It goes without saying doesn't it? You marry someone and you should automatically trust them. But trust is earned. We had been together for about 4 years before we got married. Unconsciously I was building up trust for him over those years. I didn't feel like I worked hard at it, it just sort of came naturally. I didn't doubt, or question or wonder. I accepted, loved and had an open heart and mind. It wasn't until that trust was broken during his affair that I realized how much it meant. We take things like trust for granted. You just assume that someone should trust you. Why? Because you said so? I'll say it again .... trust is earned. And as the quote says above, it takes years to build up and merely seconds to destroy. I know because I've been there.

In my new relationship (just shy of the 6 month mark), I am having a hard time trusting. My new guy isn't the one that broke my heart. He's not the one that lied and cheated. But sadly he's bearing the brunt of my trust baggage. It's unfair to assume he has to prove anything to me, but in my mind he does. He has to prove he won't rip my heart out and stomp all over it, or just up and leave me one day. Because in my twisted little head, that's what I foresee happening. 

It helps you understand abuse in a way, and why children and animals need time to warm up to a new family/owner after being victimized. You have to show them that they can trust you. You have to EARN it. In their eyes you will abuse them just like the last person. That is all they know until you show them otherwise. That is all I know until I'm shown otherwise. 

I wish I knew exactly when I'd start trusting again. That would be awesome. Until then, I'll take it one day at a time ....that's all I can do. 

Self Esteem

I've said before that this blog has been an outlet for me. Writing is a huge outlet for many people, especially when you are going through some tough times such as I have lately. Well I'm due for a therapy session so here goes ....

It's no secret that I went through a divorce last year. It's funny how it's phrased, "went through" a divorce. Divorce is definitely something you go through. It doesn't just sort of happen, and it's never quick and painless, even if things are amicable. There is always some element of aftermath that takes place. For me, that aftermath involves an ex husband that is marrying his pregnant girlfriend. Yes, you read that right. No it is not an excerpt from a Real Housewives of (insert state name here) episode. This is realer than reality TV!

Now it has been a solid year and change since I separated from my ex husband. And we've been legally divorced for almost a year. Yet, it baffles me that in that short amount of time he's managed to move on and start a new life so seamlessly. I have certainly done my part to move on. Note in my prior blog post I mention that I've started dating again. I have been seeing the same chap for about 6 months now, and we recently moved in together. Okay, so that's kind of a big deal, but at least I'm not prego! ;) Either way, I'm moving on at a much slower pace than my ex, and it's a tough pill to swallow. It truly is a huge blow to your ego to be "rejected" (i.e. divorced), and to learn that you've been replaced by a newer, sleeker version. Bottom line: it hurts.

I have also mentioned on this blog that I lost my job last year. Another rejection that also hurts. I've never been laid off before. Ever. I've always been the one to leave a job for the newer, sleeker version. :) So when my company informed me in April of last year that my services were no longer needed, that hurt too. The aftermath of my job loss has been tough. People say looking for a new job is a full-time job in itself. Well, try looking for a new job in a field that has been battered by a lousy economy! It is much more intense to be out of work right now. The competition is fierce, and employers are fiercer. People that have jobs tend to take them for granted. I know I did when I had one. Friends and family members will complain to me about how they dislike their job & want to start looking for a new one. I am quick to remind them that at least they have steady employment. I also mention that I would prefer if they not add any additional competition to my search!

Losing a job and divorcing your husband are difficult things to deal with.  I do feel that I am in a much better place now than I was with my ex husband. I also am confident a new job is on the horizon, and that all of my efforts will pay off. The rejection still stings just a little ....

You don't realize how certain aspects of your life define you. Marital status and occupation are way up there in the socioeconomic stratosphere. One of my biggest gripes is that it takes me longer to fill out those self-identifying questionnaires nowadays. I have to remember to check off "divorced" and "unemployed"...!!

Summer

This is my ideal summer. What does yours look like?