Super Nanny, please help!

Oh dear God summer needs to end and it needs to end NOW! I am so over my kids staying up late at night, sleeping the day away and bitching & moaning about how they are bored. Um, read a book! Go play outside! I opted out of camp for them this year (who am I kidding, my wallet opted me out!) however, my kids have not been without fun activities and things to do. When feasible I've taken them to do different things including but not limited to the following: the pool, BBQs, sports complex, movies, the mall, amusement park (OK, so my babysitter took them, but I paid for it), and the park. Sounds like a lot doesn't it? Damn straight it is. And yet the cries of boredom rage on. I do not understand at what point a kid's fun-meter fills up, but my children seem to have an insatiable need for activity. That's all well and good, but mama's got bills to pay, a FT job and no desire to entertain you 24/7. I give you food & shelter, entertainment is on you.

My second, and more troubling issue, is that summer seems to have drained my children of all brain power and ability to reconcile "right" from "wrong". Not to mention the ability to listen to me. It's almost as if the discipline they are taught throughout the school year falls by the wayside once school is out for summer (insert Alice Cooper lyrics here.) I find myself repeating things over and over and over again. Did I mention I repeat myself? Well I do. I repeatedly repeat myself and it's annoying. My oldest daughter will be 13 in less than a month. So in addition to the summer brain drain, I am also dealing with "soon to be a teenager" hormones. Yay me. My middle son has a lack of motivation and low self-esteem which is a whole other can o' worms, but I digress. My youngest son has more energy than a case of Red Bull, but is also 3 years old. His ability to listen is almost non-existent. His attention span is limited and his temper tantrums are frequent.

Each kid has their own challenges which keeps life interesting. Trouble is I am struggling with how to deal with each without going absolutely freakin insane. Summer and the lack of a routine is not helping, but alas, it is almost over. I'm hopeful I can survive without Super Nanny, but will keep her number handy just in case ....

Trust

So. True. You know, it's funny how that works. It's almost like dealing with weight gain. You can eat poorly for a month or so and pack on the pounds, but man it takes FOREVER to get that weight off. At least for me it does....

I spent many years "trusting" my ex husband. It goes without saying doesn't it? You marry someone and you should automatically trust them. But trust is earned. We had been together for about 4 years before we got married. Unconsciously I was building up trust for him over those years. I didn't feel like I worked hard at it, it just sort of came naturally. I didn't doubt, or question or wonder. I accepted, loved and had an open heart and mind. It wasn't until that trust was broken during his affair that I realized how much it meant. We take things like trust for granted. You just assume that someone should trust you. Why? Because you said so? I'll say it again .... trust is earned. And as the quote says above, it takes years to build up and merely seconds to destroy. I know because I've been there.

In my new relationship (just shy of the 6 month mark), I am having a hard time trusting. My new guy isn't the one that broke my heart. He's not the one that lied and cheated. But sadly he's bearing the brunt of my trust baggage. It's unfair to assume he has to prove anything to me, but in my mind he does. He has to prove he won't rip my heart out and stomp all over it, or just up and leave me one day. Because in my twisted little head, that's what I foresee happening. 

It helps you understand abuse in a way, and why children and animals need time to warm up to a new family/owner after being victimized. You have to show them that they can trust you. You have to EARN it. In their eyes you will abuse them just like the last person. That is all they know until you show them otherwise. That is all I know until I'm shown otherwise. 

I wish I knew exactly when I'd start trusting again. That would be awesome. Until then, I'll take it one day at a time ....that's all I can do. 

Self Esteem

I've said before that this blog has been an outlet for me. Writing is a huge outlet for many people, especially when you are going through some tough times such as I have lately. Well I'm due for a therapy session so here goes ....

It's no secret that I went through a divorce last year. It's funny how it's phrased, "went through" a divorce. Divorce is definitely something you go through. It doesn't just sort of happen, and it's never quick and painless, even if things are amicable. There is always some element of aftermath that takes place. For me, that aftermath involves an ex husband that is marrying his pregnant girlfriend. Yes, you read that right. No it is not an excerpt from a Real Housewives of (insert state name here) episode. This is realer than reality TV!

Now it has been a solid year and change since I separated from my ex husband. And we've been legally divorced for almost a year. Yet, it baffles me that in that short amount of time he's managed to move on and start a new life so seamlessly. I have certainly done my part to move on. Note in my prior blog post I mention that I've started dating again. I have been seeing the same chap for about 6 months now, and we recently moved in together. Okay, so that's kind of a big deal, but at least I'm not prego! ;) Either way, I'm moving on at a much slower pace than my ex, and it's a tough pill to swallow. It truly is a huge blow to your ego to be "rejected" (i.e. divorced), and to learn that you've been replaced by a newer, sleeker version. Bottom line: it hurts.

I have also mentioned on this blog that I lost my job last year. Another rejection that also hurts. I've never been laid off before. Ever. I've always been the one to leave a job for the newer, sleeker version. :) So when my company informed me in April of last year that my services were no longer needed, that hurt too. The aftermath of my job loss has been tough. People say looking for a new job is a full-time job in itself. Well, try looking for a new job in a field that has been battered by a lousy economy! It is much more intense to be out of work right now. The competition is fierce, and employers are fiercer. People that have jobs tend to take them for granted. I know I did when I had one. Friends and family members will complain to me about how they dislike their job & want to start looking for a new one. I am quick to remind them that at least they have steady employment. I also mention that I would prefer if they not add any additional competition to my search!

Losing a job and divorcing your husband are difficult things to deal with.  I do feel that I am in a much better place now than I was with my ex husband. I also am confident a new job is on the horizon, and that all of my efforts will pay off. The rejection still stings just a little ....

You don't realize how certain aspects of your life define you. Marital status and occupation are way up there in the socioeconomic stratosphere. One of my biggest gripes is that it takes me longer to fill out those self-identifying questionnaires nowadays. I have to remember to check off "divorced" and "unemployed"...!!

Summer

This is my ideal summer. What does yours look like? 

The dating game ....

Ahh the dating game. And what a game it is. I am now back in it after many years of....well, not being in it. Funny thing though - it really hasn't changed all that much! The rules are more or less the same, with the exception of the online/virtual aspect. Despite now using this thing called the Internet to make initial contact, the rest is basically status quo.

The online dating world is interesting though. People think nothing of speaking their mind or telling complete and total lies. This does differ a bit from the "in person" aspect, as most people are not as bold in person as they are online. I literally had one guy tell me he was married and was just looking to have more sex. Well alrighty then. I politely let him know I'm not his girl, but did applaud his honesty. Another guy kept trying to meet me for coffee. Ok, I like coffee, not a bad first date, right? Well it is if you email the person at 7am asking if they can literally meet you that morning. Um....really? I have 3 kids and need a tad more notice than 10 minutes. That aside, he also wanted me to come to him. Granted he didn't live far from me, but still? Why should I come to you dude? As the man, at least come to me, or meet me halfway. Needless to say we never met up.

One piece of newbie advice - I highly encourage you to talk to your suitor via phone prior to meeting in person. I had one guy that looked good in pictures, and "sounded" good via text, however when we finally spoke on the phone I thought I was talking to a cartoon character. Not even kidding. He laughed after almost everything he said. I'm not talking a nervous laugh....it was more of a "I truly think I'm that funny" kind of laugh. He already had two strikes against him (he was a smoker (yuck!) and he was my height. I prefer tall guys.) The voice & phone personality was strike three ... you're out my friend!

I did get a lot of emails from men interested in me. Not gonna lie, that is certainly an ego boost. Even if you have absolutely no interest in them, it's nice to know you still got it.

I went on a couple of dates with one fellow (haha, fellow!) and it was very nice. We had a lot in common, and he was fun to be around. He turned out to not be the right guy for me though. I found myself accepting things that bothered me just because he expressed interest. I completely disregarded the fact that he was a chain smoker (ick), and that he lived an hour and change away from me (normally not a huge deal, but this dude did not have a car nor a license!) He also drank like a fish and was a tad immature for my taste. All that aside he was Mr. Perfect right?? ;) In all seriousness, I found myself happy just to have someone paying attention to me. Then I wised up. I turned to a very close friend who was a self-proclaimed serial dater prior to meeting her fiancée. No. Joke. She has taught me a lot during this process, including but not limited to the following:

1) How to deal with emotional attachment (I'm soft & pink folks. And when I fall, I fall hard and fast.)
2) How to set the bar high and keep it there, raising it when someone meets my expectations
3) How to have self-respect
4) All about bedtime chat guys
5) How not to "boink" on the first date (see #3 - self-respect noted above)

I got together with my ex husband at a very young age. I didn't really date prior to meeting him, so a lot of this is new to me. It's been really great to have a friend that has "been there, done that", to listen and give me advice. I've found that you definitely need a sounding board during the dating game.

I am happy to report that after going through a few duds, I have met a great guy. Yes it does happen! He's absolutely wonderful and I am very optimistic and hopeful...two things I have not been in a very long time. :)

Another year over ... a new one's just begun

Wow, here we are in a new year and a new decade. Madness I say!

So, what did you do for New Year's Eve (aka Amateur Night)?! Did you get plastered and wake-up in a motel room bathtub? Oh wait, that only happens in frat houses. Or Kesha videos.

My NYE was pretty calm. Except for the part where I lost track of my 8 year old son and had to ask the Danbury police to help me track him down. You know, the usual! Sigh.

My son thinks he's a grown-up and tends to wander off on his own. I had a total of 5 kids with me that night. Granted 3 of them were 12 year olds (my daughter and her two friends), but regardless it was 1 adult trying to keep tabs on 5 underage human beings. (Did I mention this was an alcohol free, family friendly event?!) My son also has ADHD, which leads to impulsive behavior (such as wandering away from his mom on a crowded street on New Year's Eve.) Lucky for me he is also a very bright, resourceful kid. He spotted a police officer (ironically, the same officer that I later asked for help in finding said son), and asked for directions to the fireworks. After going through the typical stuff that one goes through when reporting a lost child to law enforcement, we found him! He turned up in the crowd atop a rooftop garage watching the fireworks display. Exactly where the cop had told him to go to see the fireworks, and exactly where we were going anyway. After a scolding from me and the Danbury PD, we breathed a huge sigh of relief and took my all too grown up 8 year old son home.

Once home, we lit up our own fireworks in the driveway and rang in the New Year amongst ourselves. Just a typical New Year's Eve for us. :)

Happy New Year friends! I hope 2011 brings you many blessings.